


Prompts & Stuff

by WeirdItalianPlumber



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-06
Updated: 2018-09-08
Packaged: 2018-10-28 19:41:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 8,311
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10838073
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WeirdItalianPlumber/pseuds/WeirdItalianPlumber
Summary: A collection of prompts, ficlets, and requests I wrote on Tumblr, and am moving them over here, too. Mostly AUs and shippy stuff, nothing major.(I'm really hoping to come up with a better title later)





	1. Chardee MacDennis 3: Laser Tag

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the very first fic I wrote in years. I did some minor editing from the original version I posted.  
> Inspired by a post turned into an otp prompt:  
> "take me laser tagging and then push me into a corner and kiss me, then shoot me and walk away"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Possible trigger warning for guns/shooting. It's in a game, if it makes a difference for anyone. There's no actual injuries.

“Why are we doing this, again?” Dee asked as the four strapped into gear. 

“’Cause laser tag is badass, Dee. It’s got guns and lasers and shit” Mac exhaled, growing irritated at her obliviousness. 

“And Frank is trying to ruin Chardee MacDennis with his _ridiculous_ ideas, so we need another high stakes game that he won’t intrude on” Dennis added. 

“As long as we still get to destroy something when we win” she shrugged. 

“Always” Dennis confirmed.

———————————————————

Dee snuck around the corner targeting her prey, watching his eyes widen in surprise when she leapt out in front of him. 

“Charlie! Wait, wait. Don’t shoot” she called, lifting her hands in an attempt to look harmless. He lowered the gun, still suspicious, as she took a few steps forward. “Mac and Dennis are such dickbags” she complained, “thinking they’re the bosses.” She smirked, continuing suggestively, “let’s have a little fun of our own,” she finished closing in on him. 

“How? We’re on different teams. We can’t-” he began, before her lips met his. He was quick and eager to return the kiss, especially for it being in the middle of a competition. Leaning him against a wall, she put enough effort into the kiss hoping to distract him from their surroundings. When she felt his hand rest on her hip, she pulled back and winked before sauntering away. 

“Oh, and, Charlie?” She turned around and smiled, hoping to look as enticing as she felt. He stood still trying to fall back into reality, curious to find out what she was about to do next. Lifting her gun and shooting him straight in the chest she finished, “we _always_ win.”

——————————————————-

“Oh Shit!” Mac exclaimed taking a step back, as he rounded a corner to meet Dennis standing confidently in the path, arms crossed, apparently waiting for his arrival. 

“Relax, asshole” Dennis snapped, lowering his arms. Mac watched cautiously, following suit, curious about what was going on but not ready to let his guard down.

“You’re right, you know, this is pretty badass. The adrenaline of war. Knowing how easily you could just… end someone. The thrill of competition” Dennis began, his voice smoothly turning into a breathy whisper as he leaned in close to Mac’s ear. “You really do look good with that gun. So _tough_. So _dangerous_.”

Knowing exactly what he likes to hear, before pushing Mac against the wall and kissing him roughly. Again, Mac copied Dennis’ actions, this time with no wariness, kissing back with the same force. 

“You know what the best part is, baby boy?” Dennis asked, after a moment, voice soothing, lightly stroking Mac's face, before taking a step back leaving about a foot of space between them. Mac shook his head no, still a little dazed, conflicted by pleasure and preservation. Dennis smiled his Cheshire cat grin, before shooting him point blank, “we _always_ win.”

—————————————————-

“What happened back there?” Charlie asked Mac, leaving a distance from the other two, as they all walked out of the building, and through the parking lot. “You were so sure we were _finally_ gonna beat them.” 

They could still hear Dee and Dennis up ahead, smugly discussing yet another victory with each other, punctuated by an occasional laugh and high-five, making the loss even worse. 

“I don’t know, man, Dennis just snuck up on me out of nowhere” Mac lied, hoping his embarrassment was undetectable, “got to me before my agile reflexes could resolve the situation,” he finished, karate chopping the air for emphasis.  He’s a man of action, of ass kickery and such and that wasn’t the situation here. So really, he can’t be blamed for losing. “You?” he asked trying to push the attention onto Charlie. 

“Uh, same, y’know. For being all gangly and uncoordinated, Dee’s pretty sneaky. Didn’t see it coming” he answered not making eye contact, hoping the insult would distract his teammate. That’s not really a lie Charlie justified to himself, he really wasn’t expecting her to do _that_ , so it really wasn’t his fault they lost.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was fun to write. It turned out really clunky, but I'm still kind of proud of it.


	2. Merry Christmas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's a chardee chapter! From a marriage prompt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is fairly ooc, and I’m sorry, but I just don’t see that stuff happening on this show. (and, honestly, don’t think I really want it to) I love their dynamic alone, and want them to get that trust and comfort from each other, but a super sweet & sappy ending doesn’t seem right. I don't think anyone really really expects it, right? That's part of the fun of fics. (Yet, I became way more emotional and invested in this than I expected.)
> 
> I took some inspiration from [A Crisismas Carol](http://archiveofourown.org/works/8867293/chapters/20328736)

Dee and Charlie sat on the couch, late on Christmas Eve. They had all closed Paddy’s around 10, and went home; they couldn’t sell booze on Christmas, so what was the point? It was a shitty holiday anyway- the less they were reminded of it, the better.

They had been watching some cheesy Christmas movie Charlie had insisted on, one he had loved as a kid with claymation and singing, when he abruptly shut the tv off.

“Midnight! It’s officially Christmas!” he had the same excited tone as a child- one that actually got presents and had a nice family to celebrate with.

“So what?” Dee laughed, slightly bitter, “That doesn’t mean shit.”

“Well, you can open your present, now!” Charlie explained, as if they did this every year.

“We don’t do gifts for each other” Dee reminded him, watching as he reached down into the cushions, searching for something. He found what he was looking for, pulling out a small box and balancing it in one hand. “Well, it’s for me too. Kinda. Depends on what you say next.” 

Dee gingerly took it. It looked like something jewelry would come in- but that couldn’t be right- the idea was too big. It was probably something he found at the dump or sewer, and stuck the mystery item in there. “If it’s spiders, or some weird shit like that, I swear to God I’ll-“

“Just open it!” Charlie cut her off, eagerly.

Giving him one more suspicious glance, and beginning to feel nervous, she cautiously lifted the lid, eyes widening significantly upon finding a shimmering ring inside. Forgetting to breathe for a moment, she pulled it out, inspecting, eyes sliding between Charlie and the object.

His eagerness had suddenly vanished, replaced by nervousness.  He knew what wanted to say, and had been ready for this moment all day, but now that it was really here, it wasn’t as simple. “So, um, I really like being with you. And we _really_ are a good team. It’s something I want to do, y’know…forever. So, I was thinking, you might want to, uh… marry me?”

Dee watched him for a moment, trying to process the words. She had thought about it before- marrying Charlie, but always felt a little ashamed of it, always deciding on ‘no.’ But now that the possibility was real, something changed. Suddenly, it was something she wanted more than anything. The matching rings, those exclusive titles they shared with only each other, actual documented proof that someone loved her. That feeling was cheesy and this, now, was far from what she had dreamed of, but it was real, and it was perfect.

It must’ve been too long a silence- a bad sign in his mind, Dee realized, because he had started backtracking, “You don’t have to answer right now. I mean, you can think about it. Just-” but he was cut off by a whisper.

“No.” she breathed. “Yes” Shaking her head lightly, hoping to organize thoughts, watching his anxious expression. “I mean, no, I don’t need time. The answer is yes.”

His eyes lit bright, and she could see the relief appear, “Really?” She nodded as he took the ring back, gently grabbing her left hand, sliding it onto her finger. Dee stared down, watching the gentle movement. There was nothing extraordinary about it, the ring, not like the ones she admired in windows and glass cases; a thin, sliver band, a single (probably fake) diamond in the center. It was small, and simple- like Charlie, like _them_.

“Alright,” she said. “Now, stop smiling so I can kiss you.”

 

 

 

 


	3. Slightly Angsty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A slightly angsty request

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love angsty stuff. It didn’t turn out great, but maybe I just went in with too high expectations. I knew the feeling I wanted to evoke, but no solid idea of how to get there without going into an au.
> 
> I feel kind of bad making Dee the ‘bad guy’, but I feel like she’s a little more cynical after constant rejection in life, while Charlie gets by by clinging to hope.

“We could be really good together.” Charlie murmured, as he sat next to Dee at the bar.

“Don’t start.” she whispered, focusing on the bottle in her hands. He’s tried this before- promising her happiness, reminders of what it feels like to be free and wanted, that she could really be herself and not be criticized; that warm feeling of unconditional acceptance.

“ _Do_ you love me?” he asked.

 “Love isn’t real” she scoffed.

Charlie was becoming frustrated. Why was she so against it? She was always fighting for meaning from some guy that didn’t give a shit, always just using each other, and then inevitably being disappointed and embarrassed when she’s rejected again. But here he is, offering her something she wanted, they _both_ wanted, and she’s just going to laugh and push him away- it may not have been with who either had imagined it happening, but it was real, and it was _something_.

 “Yes, it is. People find someone who loves them, then they live together and things are nice and they’re _happy_.” Charlie persisted.

“You live in some fucking fantasy world. Grow up.” Dee laughed bitterly, both wanting and not wanting to keep pushing, “Maybe if your life wasn’t so shitty, you wouldn’t huff everything to forget what pathetic excuse for an adult you are,” she finished, voice rising.

Charlie stared at her for a moment in slight surprise; it was just the two of them, why was she being like this? The words only hurt for a moment, before anger took over, and he fought back knowing exactly what would sting the most.

“You _really_ are a bitch. _That’s_ why you’re still alone! Nobody wants that. And nobody wants _you_.” He seethed. She had heard variations of this for years, hell, she’d even thought it to herself. But coming from Charlie, the _one_ person in her life who actually _encouraged_ her, the words cut deeper than any had before.

“Oh, _screw you_ ” she hissed, feeling the beginning of tears stinging, ready to tell him to get the fuck away (there was no way she was going to let him see her cry), when he stomped towards the door, slamming it on the way out- Dee flipping him off the whole way.

\------------

Dee stood in the alley, leaned against the brick wall, eyes shut, cigarette in mouth. Trying, and failing, to not think about earlier, wondering why she felt such a strong need to push back. She looked around when she heard the door open, expecting Dennis or Mac to be there, telling her to get back to work. She froze, seeing it was Charlie, watching him mouth a light “oh.”

They stared at each other for a moment before he walked towards her, leaning against the wall. Instinctively, she reached into her back pocket, extracting the pack of cigarettes and holding the open end towards him. He removed one, grabbing a book of matches from his jacket pocket, and lit it. He took a long drag before sliding down the wall; Dee doing the same, noting the perfect synchronicity and how even with tension still in the air, that she wanted him around.

Sitting in silence, they’ll form a truce, knowing that neither will apologize or acknowledge the words, never forgiving nor forgetting. They’ll move past it, though, like the many bad moments in their lives, hoping it’ll be better next time.


	4. Hell pt 2 missing scene

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "How about something from Dee's perspective of that part of The Gang Goes to Hell where Charlie shoots himself with the flare gun?"
> 
> Request

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It didn’t turn out very angsty (or good), but with death already imminent it just wouldn’t get there. It’s mostly just a jumble of thoughts. I highly recommend reading [Bee Stung Tongue](http://archiveofourown.org/works/6263488/chapters/14351395). It’s an angsty Dee/ chardee fic based off this episode, and is amazing.
> 
> Tw warning for very light talk about panic attacks, and drowning.

 

This is it. They’re all gonna die. Dee knew that she was going down with these idiots eventually, but now that it was actually happening, it was terrifying. The first realization that their antics actually had consequences.

She’s always been prone to panicking and overreacting, and being trapped in this room, on a most likely sinking ship, was threatening to resurface these habits. The gang wasn’t helping; Dennis insisting she be on top of the pyramid without any insults about how her giant feet would squish them all, or that someone so lanky should have no problem reaching the door, she knew he was scared and only thinking about preservation. And Frank, he was panicking, and honestly that was scary; she didn’t really think of him as a dad anymore, but seeing the oldest in the group so scared and ready to give up was hard. Relief came when she heard Charlie’s voice, telling everyone to relax.

Charlie. The one who had been full on screeching and banging on the door earlier, was so calm, so rational. He was calming her down as he had a year ago, when they had tried def poetry- when she felt safe enough to confess her fear, when he had believed in her. This was the Charlie she really liked, the one who did incredibly stupid things, but was so much smarter than he got credit for.

Then he said it, “we’re already dead” and her heart dropped. She had stopped listening, hope gone and fear returning. She faintly hears him ramble about how they were already dead, while desperately thinking of a plan out, of how someone would notice they were missing and come down. They had got out of so many schemes and situations before, why was this so different?

She screamed when he pulled the trigger, heard the loud bang, and instinctively leapt for him; for a split second not caring what the others thought, not liking why she cared so much. He fell into Frank’s arms, his reaction lightening fast, pulling Charlie close and gently stoking his hair. He was mumbling softly, inaudible but the tone was comforting, and he really looked like a dad. Dee tries to think of the last time he was so comforting to her, and realizes it’s been so many years, the memory faint, and she feels a little jealous- not for Frank, specifically, but of having that parent figure, protecting you.

“It’s just a bruise. He’ll be fine” Frank confirms, looking up at them. Dee is momentarily relieved, before remembering he had been shot before- by a real gun, in the head, and she worries. She remembers sitting on his hospital bed then, and she worries that maybe that was the ice breaker, and maybe this shot was the final straw, the last bit of damage he could handle; she tries to push away the thought of how badly she wants to be the one holding him. She’s angry for a moment; that he’s going to die in that ridiculous outfit, that he was going to leave them, leave her, and that hurt- they were a team. Teammates don’t do that to each other.

Too much was happening and she couldn’t keep it together anymore; it’s as if the air had left the room, there’s just a trickling water but she’s already drowning. A puddle pooling at her feet, and it’s ice cold but she’s so hot, yanking at her jacket because suddenly it’s too heavy and constricting. Leaning forward and rubbing her palms on her jeans, trying for air, she feels Dennis’ soft hand on her forearm, hears his variations of “calm down” and “you’re not helping anything.” And though, he’s holding back in front of the others, she remembers comforting each other as kids, and it helps; she may not have had much of a father growing up, but she had a brother.

The water is flowing in faster, and it’s almost knee height, but no one really acknowledges it; standing in silence watching it rise, making small talk, while thinking and simultaneously trying not to think. Listening to Charlie’s light, steady breathing.

After what seems like no time and somehow forever, Charlie stirs, and the amount of relief she feels to have him back is almost as scary as the whole sinking ship situation. They’re all going to die- the ship’s filled with water, everyone’s escaped and left them. Nothing really matters anymore, none of them will be around in a few hours to remember this, and she decides to just go for it.

“Is it okay if I just confess something, get it off my chest before we die?” And she’s going to do it, going to tell them all “I slept with Charlie. And it was stupid and weird. And I don’t regret it” and after her recent realization adding “I’d do it again.” But he’s looking at her, and she can’t read his expression, is he ready to agree? Telling her to stop? Thinking up lies and excuses? When he glances away, she… can’t. Taking the opportunity to get one last shot at Mac- it was his fault they were there. He brought them on the cruise. He let the goddamn door shut behind him.

Hell breaks loose and everybody is yelling, and everything feels normal again, and it’s oddly comforting. Dee decides she made the right decision, giving everyone a moment of normalcy, and maintaining a secret for just the two to share, belonging to them and nobody else.

 

 


	5. B&W Soulmate AU

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Prompt idea for a soulmate AU (I'm a sucker for those :P): You don't see color until you find your soulmate. You only see in black and white again if your soulmate dies or if there's a really bad break in the relationship."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was somehow super inspired and super stuck at the same time. It is fairly ooc, but kind of wanted it to be for an au.
> 
> I tried to use a canon-ish moment for each one, but had to really stretch on some. I thought about doing the death/broken part, but just couldn’t bring myself to.
> 
> cw for some blood- nothing graphic or violent though.

Dee grumbled to herself, sitting next to her brother in the restaurant. They were meeting his ~~boy~~ friend, and his friend. Dennis claimed they were “just friends” but the way he yammered on about the guy was much more than she had heard him talk of others. The fact that he had agreed to pay for her meal and a new purse, just so she would go and chat with the friend he didn’t want to leave behind didn’t help- Dennis was offering money just so he could see this guy.

“Here they are!” Dennis whispered excitedly, leaning in close. Dee groaned, ready to kill Dennis for getting her in this situation. She recognized Mac, having only met him once, but the karate noises and smell of Drakkar Noir would stick with her. It was his companion, her “dinner buddy” that was an issue- a shorter, scruffy man in a wrinkled t-shirt and oversized jacket trailed along. _‘He’s out with a beautiful woman and decides it’s okay to dress like that?’_ she thinks. _Shit_ , she hopes this isn’t him actually trying.

“Like I said, _Deandra_ ,” Dennis begins, “sleeveless shirts are so white trash, but with arms like _that_ , Mac can pull it off.” She stares at him for a moment incredulously- is he not hearing himself?

The two men reach the table and sit, Mac across from Dennis and the grungy one across from Dee. “Hey, bro, this is Charlie, we’ve been buds since, like, forever.” Charlie gives a half hearted wave, and Dennis nods.

“So, you’re Dennis’ sister” Charlie says to her, and she can’t tell if he’s asking or telling. She’s debating whether to give a sarcastic response or “play nice” as Dennis had pressed in the car, when she lost her train of thought. He was looking right at her, and his eyes, they were so different than anything she had seen before.

Instead of the usual monochrome palette she had only known, there was a new brightness. Green.

\-----------------

Dee walked down the hall to Charlie’s apartment finding herself excited, a combination of seeing him and hopefully discovering a new color. He had called, inviting her over for lunch, one he had cooked himself. Dee had been to his apartment once before- briefly when picking him up to go out; she wasn’t thrilled about spending the day in the small, dirty room but found the pros far outweighed the cons.

He answered the door quickly, though there’s no reason he shouldn’t, Dee thought, with how small the apartment is.

“Oh, hey, hey, come on in” he smiled stepping aside. She entered, surveying the room, realizing that’s exactly what it was. A room. No kitchen, no dining area. She looked over the coffee table littered with magazines, empty bottles and various empty food wrappers. Of course, he hadn’t bothered to clean up before she came over, much like he hadn’t bothered to do to himself the first time they met.

Dee was about to ask just exactly how he ate in there, when her eyes fell to a small card table, a little off the center of the room; a chair on each side with two place settings, and in the center stood a single flower in a vase. She recognized the green stem immediately, but atop where it bloomed was a new color. Yellow.

\-------------------------------------------

“This place is supposed to be really popular. I guess they make really good drinks and have lots of colors, too,” Dee explained, as she and Charlie rounded a corner and saw the giant SUDZ sign. Neither had experienced all the colors yet, but there was always hope of discovering a new one, and finding all the different shades of the ones they had already learned.

They had both discovered different ones than the other, and part of the fun was trying to explain them and pointing out what things were the unknown colors.

The place was loud and busy. They sat at an open spot at the counter, and a man behind the bar held up a finger indicating he’d be there in a moment, they both nodded. Dee reached for a flyer indicating drink specials, when Charlie pointed at a group sharing something from a fishbowl, “I know what we’re getting.”

“That?” Dee asked trying, and failing, to sound annoyed, “what’s so great about it?”

“It’s blue! Like your eyes. And I want you to like it as much as I do,” he enthused. She understood, remembering the first time she saw his green, it was such a beautiful color, her _first_ color, instantly shifting her mood that day.

The man jogged up to them, “How you doing? My name is Greg-“ before Charlie cut him off.

“We’ll take one of those,” pointing again at the table.

“That’d be a Blue Hole. Our blended signature cocktail. A great choice! It’s what we recommend to our fir-“ he started happily, before Dee cut in this time, enjoying interrupting him. “That’s great! _Go get it_.”

He got the hint to quit with the small talk and returned a moment later with the drink, two straws sticking out. For a moment it looked like he was going to try being friendly again, but decided against it, and left. They leaned in, taking a drink at the same time; Dee feeling like one of those couples sipping milkshakes on old posters, but not so dorky.

She sat back, looking at the drink they had shared, and it seemed to spring to life. Blue.

\----------------------

Dee had never celebrated a real Valentine’s Day before. Sure, she’s been on dates and sent cards, but nothing really went anywhere. Sometimes it was just a plan to get laid, sometimes she’d see the guy again once or twice, but nothing stuck; it was more of a holiday for following what movies and TV suggested, she never had actually felt the things the day had promised.

She had known Charlie for almost 6 months, and was looking forward to the holiday, going into it with real expectations; though years ago she would’ve thought a real Valentine’s should include jewelry, chocolates, and an expensive restaurant, she now found the idea boring and impersonal. She was preferring the unusual, yet endearing, things Charlie did.

They had agreed to spend the day together, with no plans, just each other.  She jumped when she heard a pounding on the door, pulling it open to see Charlie smiling widely, hands behind his back. “I made you something,”

He pulled out a slightly lopsided paper heart full of bright stickers, two cats touching noses in the center, inside a red hand drawn heart. ‘Happy Valentine’s Day’ scribbled across the top in messy handwriting. The paper wasn’t like the kind she was accustomed to, it was colored, too. Pink.

\----------------------

Dee sat at the counter of the bar she had just bought with her brother, Mac, and Charlie.

It was almost nightfall in the warm summer, when Dee felt someone grab her hand. Looking up, she saw it was Charlie, a lumpy duffel bag under his arm. “Dee, come with me,” he whispered. She rolled her eyes then glanced over at Mac and Dennis, who were in the middle of doing something that looked stupid. Deciding Charlie’s mystery was better than the other two, Dee followed him out the back door into the alley.

Charlie reached for the roof ladder, pulling it down. She sighed, tired from the long day. “What the hell are we doing, Charlie?”

“Having our own celebration” he explained, then continued after catching the doubtful look on her face. “It’s good. I _promise_.” He stepped back, motioning towards the ladder, “after you.”

Dee shook her head. “Nope. I don’t know what’s up there.”

“Fine” Charlie started climbing, glancing back to make sure Dee was following. She was.

They reached the top looking over the large flat surface for a moment, before Charlie walked to the center, dropping the bag; he opened it, pulling out a large blanket and a couple bottles of wine. He sat down, patting the spot next to him and Dee followed, sitting and looked around.

“Can you believe this is ours?” he asked after a moment. She leaned close, resting her head on his shoulder. “No. I can’t.” she breathed.

They sat in a comfortable silence, staring at the darkening sky barely illuminated by the setting sun, filled with swirls of a new color. Purple.

\-----------------------------------

“We’re not kids, Charlie,” Dee explained. “Halloween is for costumes and getting drunk. Not carving faces on pumpkins.”

“Well yeah! But it’s also for candy and jack of lanterns,” Charlie fought back, patting the two giant pumpkins on Dee’s kitchen table.

“ _O_ , Charlie. It’s Jack _o_ Lantern.”

Charlie narrowed his eyes for a moment, thinking. “Nah, Dee. I’m pretty sure it’s of,” he finished, grabbing a knife and stabbing at the top of a pumpkin.  Dee watched as he cut the top off then reached inside, happily pulling out handfuls of seeds and goop.

“Well, _I’m_ pretty sure the only reason you wanted to do this, was to touch all that gross shit.”

“We need _decorations_ , Dee, if we’re really gonna celebrate. Besides, it’s our first holiday at the bar. Gotta make it big.”

Dee resigned. She had never really enjoyed holidays as a kid; it was always something her parents had blown off, seeing celebrating for her and Dennis as an inconvenience. She watched Charlie concentrate on carving into the pumpkin, working in detail on his design, and found herself more focused on his excitement than the actual tradition.

He looked up a few minutes later, spinning the pumpkin towards her with a look of pride, a well crafted glass of foamy beer carved in the center. The entire object looked even better when it took on a color. Orange.

\--------------------

“I’m really happy Dennis dragged me to that stupid restaurant with him,” Dee stated one evening, as she and Charlie sat side by side. He tilted his head slightly, confused.

“I might not have met you. Things might not’ve worked out, and we wouldn’t be here,” she explained. He nodded, “It is kind of cool.”

“I want this to be forever” she confessed.

“Then, let’s make a blood oath!” Charlie exclaimed sitting up straighter, “That’s, like, the best promise you can make someone. It can never _really_ be broken.” He looked so serious and focused.

She looked at him for a moment, considering, then nodded.

Charlie pulled a pocket knife from his jeans, flipping it open. He held out his opposite hand, placing the blade against his palm, watching her; Dee reached across the table pulling one from her purse, and doing the same. They both took a deep breath, pressing down and pulling the tips across, looking up upon noticing that this time there was a color to the warm liquid slowly pooling out. Red.

They both smiled, clasping hands together before leaning forward and touching lips, too.

 

 

 

 


	6. Baby Thoughts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> From a prompt request for Charlie's thoughts during Dee's pregnancy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Takes place during the King of the Rats ep.

Dee watched Charlie sitting in a booth, his dreambook and a few empty beer bottles scattered on the table. He was clearly not sober, a mixture of whatever he found in the basement and a few beers. They were alone in the bar; Frank had left to celebrate under the bridge, and the other two had left claiming that, as owners and those who did all the setting up, they didn’t have to tear down the decorations, and that the janitor and waitress could do it.

Dee groaned to herself, realizing that she still felt some affection towards him that day. _Goddamit_ , stupid baby hormones were making her soft. She smirked, sliding into the seat across the table, “Since it’s not _really_ your birthday, I think you may be a little too shitfaced.”

He looked up. “Nah, I’m good. ‘Sides this day was supposed to help me and shit,” he answered, gesturing to the half down decorations.

They sat in silence for a moment, looking around and enjoying the calm after a stressful day, before Charlie’s words cut through almost sing-songy.

“You’re having a baby.”

“Yeah,” Dee chuckled, lightly running a hand over her rounded belly, “not that you assholes care.”

He squinted at her, “’Course we do.”

The first time she told them she was pregnant, he didn’t really care. Then things began changing, she had stopped drinking, and sat out on some schemes; she was getting bigger, and suddenly the full meaning hit and it felt as if he was drenched with ice water, or did too many Charlie One-Twos. There was a sense of shock and dread. Everything was going to be different. _20 years_ and everything was going to change. Sweet Dee was going to have a baby and leave them, or the gang was going to ditch her.

He tried to remember any guys she might have brought around, which one might have done this, but none stayed. None seemed to really care. Charlie never liked the guys she flaunted, hell even Mac, who would’ve been the most happy to have Dee out of the gang, said that she had the worst taste in men.

This jabroni wasn’t around, and that made Charlie angry; whether it was for Dee or because he knew what it was like being abandoned by a dad, he wasn’t sure.

Of course, learning that he wasn’t the father was a relief. But ever since the others brought Schmitty back, casting Charlie out of the gang, did he feel a kinship with Dee. They were the two worst treated members of the gang; maybe Ernesto was onto something with the soulmates of pain thing.

Charlie didn’t want a lot of responsibility, to sacrifice his fun, laidback life, but had to do _something._ He couldn’t stand by and make Dee do this alone, or let this kid feel like he did. “I mean… I can do stuff.” Charlie explained, “Teach him some hockey, have a catch. This kid’s gonna need a dad. Or someone to just, y’know… be there.”

Dee shook her head, “You’re high as shit, Charlie.”

“I can do it, Dee. I thought about it before; when we got those school jobs and were best friends. I knew this kid would have to fit in there somewhere.”

She looked doubtful.

“ _Come on._ The guy’s not even around. I know you think we don’t care, but we do. When that stuff came out of the screen today, I was thinkin’ I got to protect Dee and the baby. I never really thought stuff like that before.”

Feeling both amused and touched at his confessions, Dee decided to press further, asking, maybe even challenging, “What if it’s a girl?”

He looked surprised for a moment, almost as if the possibility hadn’t even occurred to him. “Well, that’s okay. Girls can do that shit, too. You’re a girl, and we do fun stuff.” A touch of excitement lit in his eyes, “ _is_ it a girl?” This threw off his plans, but it just went from just being a baby to a _person_ , it felt more real, and that was pretty cool.

“Don’t know yet. Might wait until it to pops out. Be a surprise,” Dee shrugged.

Charlie nodded, and it was hard to tell if he was confused or disappointed, “Cool. Cool.”

He was definitely very intoxicated, but there was a sincerity that told her these weren’t drunken ramblings, but a truth that came from deep down- one that was only shared without inhibitions; he sounded more determined as he spoke. His determination was strange, it almost seemed like he _wanted_ this, and it was making her feel strangely guilty.

Looking at his current state, Dee decided to tell him- it’d appease him for the moment, but there was no way he’d remember in the morning. They would all go back to ignoring it and things would quit feeling so personal, be back to normal.

She sighed lightly, “it’s not my baby, Charlie.”

His eyes narrowed in confusion, head tilting slightly to the side, “oh? I didn’t know that possible for the lady. Like, how could that even work?”

“I’m doing the surrogate thing, for real this time.”

“Oh, right, yeah. Didn’t know you were trying that again.”

Dee laughed. “Yeah, well, you guys blew it for me last time. Didn’t want you to screw it up again,” before continuing more softly, “It’s going to be good, Charlie. This kid’s _going_ to have a dad. And a mom. Ones that actually _want_ it. Better than any of us had.”

He smiled back, “yeah, that’s good.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I like to imagine that Dee doesn’t say it’s Carmen because she doesn’t want the gang to know to make stupid comments. 
> 
> Someone talked about Charlie trying to protect the baby in their tags on a gifset for that scene, and it’s so good, and I can’t take credit
> 
> Sorry for the terrible punctuation, I don't really have an excuse besides not feeling like fixing it.


	7. Electric Boogaloo prompt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A request for Dee's thoughts when Charlie is hospitalized in s11.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have like zero ability to come up with titles

Initially, Dee was thrilled for the last round of the game. There was no way Charlie could handle being berated by the Waitress, he would crumble quickly and the Golden Geese would easily secure another victory. This might even be what it takes for him to finally get over her and they could finally be done with his irritating and pitiful pining, even better if Charlie would shift some of that focus on her; though that last part was a little harder to think. As annoying and pathetic as his few attempts to hit on her in the past were, it was kind of nice; honestly, as much as she wanted to be sexy and desirable, she really liked when it was just them doing whatever, supporting each other as equals.  

In Dee’s mind, it was supposed to play out like this: the Waitress bitches at Charlie, he breaks, then she and Dennis stomp Charlie and Mac’s pieces and brag a bit before Dennis loses interest in her and inevitably fucks off with Mac, leaving Dee and Charlie alone. They’ll open a few beers, joke, and he’ll remember how easy things are with her. 

Instead, the Waitress starts yelling and Charlie immediately starts sobbing, then suddenly he's on the floor and not responding to anyone, and Dee decides this game isn’t fun anymore. Mac is shouting because they lost, Dennis looks so smug that he won again, and Dee feels like she's the only one that actually cares about Charlie instead of the stupid game and it makes her angry. Dee doesn't know why, but she's kneeling on the floor next to him, softly murmuring and she can hear someone judging, "Jesus Christ, Dee", but she doesn't even care. Maybe it's because it's been a full minute and Charlie still isn't moving, or that she looks too worried to fight back, but Dennis announces "Shit, guys, I think he needs to go to a hospital." 

Injuries were common in the game, even a little beneficial if it helped weaken the other team, but it usually took a little gauze and a few beers and things were back to normal, but now the four of them are sitting in a hospital waiting room with the guys whispering to each other, and whatever it's about it's turning into an argument; Dee finds it much more irritating than usual and is yelling at them before realizing it, " _godammit_  you guys. Charlie could be really hurt and you're arguing about stupid shit."  

\----------- 

She and Dennis stand outside the hospital door, and Dee’s conflicted by her desire to shove Dennis out of the way and rush in, or to hide back, avoid reality a little longer. Dennis decides for her by pushing ahead and putting on a show of concern for any hot nurses that might be watching, and acting like he's the leader of the gang. 

They enter the room, and Charlie’s there but he’s still not awake and  _holy fuck_ , why is this so scary? They made a blood oath and Dee’s not entirely sure what that means outside of the scheme, but it means  _something_ ; Charlie can’t break it, he has to be okay. He’s pretty much invincible; he should be sitting up and messing with buttons that shouldn’t be touched, requesting weird combinations off the menu, and driving everyone crazy; be her teammate. Dee has to stop herself from sitting on his bed like she did last time he was here, because it seems way too intimate now, yet she wants to be the first person he sees when he wakes up.  

Instead she places her hands on his knee, and her voice comes out so soft it's almost startling, "hey, Charlie, you awake?" Prompting Dennis to give her a strange look, but she doesn’t even care because this is more important.  

There’s a flash of a thought, of how the roles were almost reversed earlier, the familiar tinge of annoyance she felt when Dennis drew the ‘Hands on a Bird Body’ card, then unease upon realizing there was a 50% chance that Charlie would have to play, and the awkwardness and tension that could bring. Mac and Charlie, and Frank and Andy break away into two groups while Dee climbs onto a stool feeling like an idiot on display, and Dennis positions himself next to her, then whispers something, but Dee’s not listening.  

She half considers commenting how maybe being touched by one of these dickbags is gross to her, too, when she locks eyes with Charlie in a heated discussion with Mac; there’s a moment when they both know this can’t happen, and suddenly Mac is throwing his hands up in the air, clearly upset, and Dee realizes that he must have lost, and she’s never been so relieved to have to deal with Mac.  

She can’t help but wonder how that would’ve went.  _Would he have thrown the level just for show?_ _Would_ _it bring back too many memories_ _to continue? Maybe, he would’ve lasted the longest, just to prove to the others that she wasn’t so bad, that they_ _were_ _strong together_ _._ Dee tries the hardest to shove down the question of how he would’ve touched her; an arm seemed too proximal and close, while a leg would just be too personal and reminiscent. 

Dennis has a plan, they'll be there when he comes to, lull him into a false sense of security, then rub it in that they won  _again_ , and stomp the shit out of their flag; then he makes some dick comment about her bad acting and Dee considers "accidently" stepping on his foot.  

Dennis starts calling his name, and it seems to be working because Charlie stirs a little, and Dee joins in, rubbing his leg a little, hoping the soothing action will help wake him. Finally, he blinks, and Dee is so alleviated she's tempted to rest her forehead against his, to convey how happy she is to have him safe. 

Dennis starts talking, rubbing in how he broke when the Waitress started in on him, and Dee feels a bit of joy seeing Charlie realize how bad she is for him. It's a nice moment, before Dennis snaps her out of it, reminding her of the plan- they're not there for a happy reunion, to be real friends caring about each other. She walks away, grabbing a book of matches and the losing team's flag, ready to start the victory ritual, with Dennis joining her.  

They finish stomping the flag, and Charlie looks so disappointed, but Dee can overlook it because at least he's okay and things feel almost normal again. Dennis cackles, and looks at her with pride, before exiting to let Mac in the room, leaving the two alone. There's an awkward moment of eye contact before Dee heads for the door, pausing to consider her next move, then lightly brushes his shoulder, sincerely stating “I'm  _really_  glad you're okay, Charlie.”  

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just couldn't get the emotion written right for this one, but think it turned out okay overall.
> 
> Have requests or prompts? Send them. Birdwithteeth.tumblr.com


	8. AU!-season 6 Baby

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What if Dee wasn't a surrogate in season 6? [Based off a dream I had](http://birdwithteeth.tumblr.com/post/173482971106/defpoetics-good-ol-jinxmgee-can-we-all)  
> (if you want me to unlink your posts from this, let me know)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was written quickly, and poorly, so be prepared. I wrote it a while ago to get some writing juices flowing and just remembered it exists.

Dee shouts a final time, joined in by a high-pitched scream. She drops back against the pillows, releasing Charlie’s hand. She’s grateful for him letting her squeeze, but it’s still a little awkward.

“It’s a boy,” the doctor happily announces. It’s cool, Dee thinks, but it doesn’t really affect her. Soon, they’re going to pass this brand-new person over to Carmen and her husband, then move on with their lives. Like this year never happened.  

The staff bustles around, checking and writing things. The nurse is an older lady, who looks like she’s in her mid-fifties. It makes Dee think of what it’d be like to have a supportive mother there. Maybe in some alternate universe what kind of grandma she could have given the baby. She checks some paperwork. “Are you holding him?” She asks gently.  

Dee nods. The four of them had agreed. She and Charlie would have an hour, just the three of them. Apparently that’s still important.  

The nurse returns, lowering the baby into Dee’s arms. That weight that she carried in her belly for months, now resting comfortably against her chest. She’s not sure what to do, so she smiles down at him. Somehow, it feels like enough. It feels like the right thing.

He’ll stare up at her, eyes unfocused and watching, then blinking shut again. He looks content. They stay like that for a while.  

Dee looks at the clock. “Shit, Charlie, it’s been 40 minutes. You should’ve said something.”

He shrugs, not making eye contact. “You looked happy. I didn’t want to ruin that.”  

Something about it makes Dee feel embarrassed, though she can’t place why.  

“Do you still want to…” she asks.  

Charlie nods, scooting closer to the bed. Dee leans over, passing the baby to him.The infant fusses at the movement, both adults instinctively whispering a gentle “shhhh.”

He quiets upon settling again, eyes drifting shut, features relaxing. Charlie watches the little person he’s holding.

“I have a son,” Charlie whispers to himself, as the situation becomes real.  

“Not really,” Dee responds. “The tr- Carmen and her husband do. We got a free pass.”

They sit mostly quietly. Occasionally sharing a similar look awkwardness and disbelief.  

Eventually there’s a knock, and the door opens. Some staff enter, followed by Carmen and Nick.  

Carmen places a hand on Dee’s leg, “How’re you feeling?”

She shrugs. She honestly doesn’t know. “Fine.”

Carmen’s eyes fall on the little bundle in Charlie’s arms. She smiles, her expression turning into awe. “He’s here.”

She easily scoops the baby up, looking more natural and fitting than Dee felt. Carmen looks at her, watching.  

“Do you want to say goodbye?” Carmen asks.  

Dee shakes her head, “No.”  

“Wait,” she reaches over to the side table and grabs a stuffed green elephant. “I bought this, um, right after I found out I was pregnant. I didn’t even know what I going to do yet.” She looks uncomfortable. “It’s just a, a stupid impulse thing. But, could you give it to him sometime? So he knows that I don’t… hate him or something.” She knows what it’s like to be unwanted, and really doesn’t want to be the cause of that in someone else. She doesn’t like the idea of her being thought of as horrible and selfish person. Not for that reason.  

Carmen nods. It looks like she’s on the verge of crying. “Of course.” She tucks it in her arms. As they leave, she stops in the doorway, then turns back with a smile. “Thank you.”  The nurse speaks first. “We just need to check a few things, and you’ll be free to go soon. You do have some visitors in the waiting room. Can they come in?”

The guys actually waited? That’s surprising.  

It feels oddly empty in the room now. Not that the baby was much company, anyway. They both okay it. Some normalcy would be nice.

“So, now what?” Charlie asks cautiously when they’re alone.

“We go back to normal. That’s the point of this.”

It’s not even a full minute later when the rest of the gang comes bursting through the door, bringing chaos and excitement with them. They’re pushing and arguing, completely ignoring all the  _Quiet Please_ signs. They stop dead upon seeing the two across the room.

“So… where is he?” Dennis asks, looking around the room.

“Yeah, we wanna see the baby,” Mac agrees.  

"Where is the little guy?” Frank pushes forward.  

The silence seems longer than it actually is  

“He’s gone. They just left,” Dee answers.

They visually deflate. Disappointment clear on the three’s faces.  

“Oh,” someone says.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I originally imagined it being a girl, but when I started writing, "boy" just kept pulling on my sleeve.  
> \----
> 
> I did a little research and apparently birth parents are encouraged to hold the baby for closure.


	9. Frank breaks the news

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dennis and Mac have a plan. They need Frank and Charlie's help. Only Charlie's not home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a really short scene I thought of, then typed up in like 20 minutes. It's pretty pointless but it was fun.

“Frank! Charlie! You guys are not going to believe this. There’s this guy…” Mac and Dennis come bursting through the apartment door. They stop dead upon finding Frank alone on the couch. “Where’s Charlie?” They ask, excitement fading. The brains and wildcard are really needed for this plan.  

Frank glances from the two back to the tv. “He’s at Deandra’s.”

Mac and Dennis share a confused and almost angry look. “What the hell is he doing there?”

Frank shrugs disinterestedly, shoving some chips in his mouth. “Banging, probably.” That answer only elicits more questions.  

“What?!”

Annoyed from the constant interruption, Frank gives them a little more attention. Maybe they’ll finally leave him alone. “Y’know, banging,” he explains. “He’s probably giving it to her real good right now.” He pumps his fists, and grunts while thrusting his hips the best he can while sitting down.  

They continue to stare at him. Frank sighs at their shocked, and slightly disgusted, expressions. “You twos didn’t know about this?” Wow, they are dumber than he gave them credit for. “This shit’s been going on for a while.” He pauses, as if just considering something. “Actually, I think I got that backwards. With Dee being a whore and all. She’s probably giving it to him.”

The sickened look on Dennis and Mac’s faces go unnoticed as Frank continues, mostly talking to himself at this point. “You know that’s a good thing, a broad taking charge like that. A lot of guys, they think they got to do the plowing. But this way you just gotta lay back and enjoy. No work involved. I learned that from Artemis. Doesn’t even care if I eat while she’s at it.” He’s got a dreamy look on his face. A few seconds later, he’s back with a look of pride. “Good for you Charlie,” he says to no one in particular. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just love of Frank telling them super casually.  
> I also really love the Artemis/Frank relationship.


	10. Sick Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dee's sick. Charlie wants to hang out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this months ago on my tumblr, but I'm getting over being sick and remembered I wrote this. So I dug it back up, did some editing, and here we are.

“Go away, Charlie. You’re going to get sick, too,” Dee moans.

“Nah, I never got the flu last time. Remember?” He disagrees confidently.

“That’s because we didn’t have the flu. It was al-” she gives up mid-sentence. On a good day she wouldn’t have the patience to argue with him, and she especially doesn’t have the energy now, feeling like shit.  

“Scoot,” he instructs, sitting on the edge of the bed lightly pushing her, invading her space. “Let’s not argue, Dee, I came to help you,” Charlie explains calmly, and there’s this lecturing tone to his voice that she just can’t help but snap at.

“How the hell are you going to help me, Charlie?”  

He shrugs. “I dunno. Take care of you?”

“What are you doing?” She asks when he leans down, placing a kiss on her forehead.

“Checking if you have a fever. That’s how my mom always did it,” he explains.

Dee’s reminded of how her mom would avoid them whenever she or Dennis got sick. She relaxes, there was something soothing about the light touch.

“Well?” She asks after a moment.

“I don’t know how it works,” he responds, sheepishly.  

Dee had planned on being left alone, but the company is oddly nice. “I guess you can stay,” Dee relents, hoping it’ll sound like she’s doing him a favor. “But you gotta get on your own side.” There’s more rules to list, of course, but she’s stopped, letting out a light  _ooph_  when Charlie crawls over her and dropping into the empty space.  

“So, now what?” He asks.

“I’m going to sleep,” Dee says. “Or die.” She adds as an after-thought. That seems like a real possibility right now.

“Or I could read to you,” Charlie suggests, happily.

_Goddamn. Can’t he just let her suffer in silence?_

“You don’t know how to re-” Dee sighs, then pivots the topic, “is that something your mom did, too?”

“No, no. Mac did that,” Charlie responds.

Dee’s eyes snap open. That was unexpected.

“Really?” She asks, hoping for more information on that.

“Oh, yeah, yeah. He’d come over with these books. Always insist on reading them to me. Some were dumb, but some were pretty good. Like those ones about the monkey and the dude in the hat. Monkeys are cool, Dee,” he sounds wistful for a moment. “We were kids then. Way before we met you guys.”

There’s something sweet about the image that gives Dee a warm feeling inside. Maybe it’s the half bottle of NyQuil she’s drank so far. “It sounds kind of nice, actually.”

“I still have my walkman. And some of those books on tape. Maybe we could listen to one of those,” Charlie suggests. He’s already on his feet, “I think I left some around here from when…” words fading out as he exits the room.

After a little banging and thumping in the distance, a mess Dee knows she’ll have to clean up later, Charlie returns, smiling.  

He kicks off his shoes, then lies down, stretching obnoxiously. He places an earbud on each pillow, and hits play.  

She had been hoping to spend the afternoon in the quiet, alone. But, falling asleep next to Charie’s warm body, listening to the tinny sounds of the narrator’s voice is an unexpected preference.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>    
> I imagine Mac and Charlie being like 6 or 7 at the time. So Curious George books are more age appropriate, rather than trying to infantilize them.  
> 
> Mac seems like he tried to protect Charlie in the Christmas special deleted scenes. So I can see this happening, Especially since he corrects in the Pop Pop episode. 
> 
> The transition between "take care of you" and "what are you doing" seems super abrupt, but I can't figure out how to fix it, so it's staying. sorry.
> 
>  


End file.
